i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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