A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you win again, gameday.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
