my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
