sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
