I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think people are normalizing furries
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
