Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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