If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
