Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
