i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I touched a dick in church today
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
