I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
