This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
