ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
