this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
