I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
