I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize