You made me cry and you don't even care
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize