im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he was CRYING into my vagina
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
