I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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