My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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