If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
