Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
