Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
