Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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