I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
