there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
