Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
