I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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