I'm going to jail i love you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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