i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
