he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
