I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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