Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
