she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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