You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
