dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
