Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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