3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
