Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
