True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
foreskin is a definite game changer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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