Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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