My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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