I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
