I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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