Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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