She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
