i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
