Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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