Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
