i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
