I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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