Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
