You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
