I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
