i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize