Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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