So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
