I think I won the penis lottery.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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