so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
