listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
