does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
