did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
