I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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