I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
